GLOBAL WARMING? Maybe everywhere else on the planet but NOT in Monticello, Utah. No way. For whatever reason, whether meteorlogical or mystical, climate change has passed by this small San Juan County town.

Just ask Gene Schafer, whose wit and wisdom elsewhere in this publication is solemnly revered. Schafer has lived in Monticello all his life...for 75 years and he says it’s like this: "Winter lasts through spring, it can snow in goddamn June. Then it finally gets warm for Mormon Christmas...that’s Pioneer Day on July 24th. The day after? You better start collecting firewood because Winter’ll be here any minute."

And he’s just about right. Freezes can wipe out the apricots even in early June. Late frosts have even burned the leaves off the usually hardy oak trees. Five years ago it snowed on June 21---the first day of summer. And THIS year, on the first Saturday in May, a day that is sacred to all native Kentuckians and a day that conjures up images of green grass and mint juleps and girls in short dresses, the snow came down in Monticello until the road to Moab was almost impassable.

Moab will have bloomed and blossomed and turned hot before Monticello trees show their buds. Two different worlds.

One can make the argument that the snows have declined and it’s true. But global warming?

Come down to Monticello some fine spring day to work on your tans...let me know how it works out.