I’ve tried to muster some enthusiasm for the upcoming presidential election, but it’s just not happening for me. I freely admit that I loathe George W. Bush—I think I might like him if he were the local golf pro or a VW mechanic or the town drunk...I just have a problem with him as President of the United States. I can’t recall any man who has so stunningly over-reached his potential and still come up a winner than George. George W Bush is a doofus

But I can’t get very excited about his opponent either. I said more than six months ago that John Kerry reminds me of Mike Dukakis, only taller. Put a helmet on him and drive him around in a tank and they’re identical twins. I’m still not sure what Kerry stands for. I’ve tried to listen to his convoluted diatribes and found them almost as difficult to follow as Bush’s non-sensical ramblings.

In fact, I’ve come to the bleak conclusion that our society is so severely damaged by rampant greed and materialism, so twisted beyond recognition by this shallow, vapid pop culture we’re wallowing in, that NO candidate of any major party could incrementally turn this country around and lead it back to a place we might actually be proud of.

One definition of nihilism is the idea that something can be so badly damaged that the only way to fix it is to first completely destroy what’s left of it.

If that’s true then you might want to consider casting your vote for Bush. After all, who could put this country in the tank quicker and more effectively than George?

While Kerry might make a Democrat feel better for a while, it’s mostly cosmetic—he’s still, after all, a free market, global economy materialist who thinks unlimited growth via the unrestrained consumption of the planet’s natural resources will make us all happy. So save the world and vote for Bush

But if that’s more than you can bear, I’ll give you another option.

VOTE FOR ME.

Yes...my fellow Americans, I am pleased and honored to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I’m running as a fun-loving nihilist. As a doomsday optimist. As a mellow misanthrope. As a clear alternative to the inevitable.

If elected I promise to xeriscape the White House lawn. I pledge my support for birth control in Third World countries. I will proclaim that all rap music must have a melody. I will promise not to campaign on tv and if asked to explain my past, I will not obfuscate. I will give tax credits for vegetable gardens and for miles driven on bicycles (the government will subsidize the cost of odometers for all bikes). I will make it a felony to use federal wilderness lands for profit. I will drain what’s left of Lake Powell. But I will also subsidize western ranchers’ alfalfa fields to prevent further condo development. I will make it a capital offense to drive slowly and obstruct the free flow of traffic. I will proclaim Angelina Jolie’s lips a national treasure. I will actually try to practice the Golden Rule.

And I’ll do this.

I will immediately order the withdrawal of all U.S. military forces in the Middle East, including Iraq and I will terminate oil contracts with all nations in the Middle East, including Saudi-Arabia.. With just the money saved on body armor alone, I will replace every conventional high wattage light bulb in America with a 13 watt, fluorescent bulb, cutting our energy needs by as much as 15%. And I will mandate that all vehicles sold in this country have a fuel efficiency rating of at least 40 miles per gallon. So long Hummers. I will subsidize the cost of these improvements with the $200 billion we’ll save by terminating those military obligations.

But these measures will still not be enough to stave off a world-wide economic depression of catastrophic proportions. The global economy as we know it now will grind to a halt. The teeming masses will no longer be able to afford the plethora of crap that we all think is essential to our lives. Factories will shut down. Jobs will disappear. Salaries reduced. Work weeks cut. Service industries will dwindle because no one will have money for personal trainers and nose-lift operations. High-end luxury tourism world-wide will be devastated.

Around the globe, people will have to survive by helping each other. We’ll take our altered noses out of the Playstations or the CNBC market report or Jerry Springer and start having conversations again.

We’ll have potluck picnics and play horseshoes and we’ll actually start listening to the stories that our parents and grandparents have wanted to tell us for years, but nobody had time to listen. We’ll have more sex!

We’ll spend hours and days just staring at the sky, reacquainting ourselves with the magic of clouds in the day and with the constellations at night. We’ll notice the sound of the wind in the trees again. And the voices of friends and family.

We’ll quit taking all these damn medications and we’ll die when we’re supposed to and not a minute later. We’ll cherish our real time together because we’ll suddenly realize we have more of it, now that we’re not worrying about buying a Lexus as a third car or fretting about our blood pressures, or working 60 hours a week, or two jobs. Or three.

By not fretting, our BPs will most likely go down. We’ll quit being "depressed" because we’ll all be blissfully poor. We’ll eat lots of fat AND carbs and become fat AND happy.

And as President of the United States, I will donate my salary to charity since the only reason I really wanted to be president is because I thought it would be a great way to meet girls.

(An honest nihilist has to revert to stupid humor after a while or he starts to take himself too seriously.)

So...seriously. If you live in a state where the election is expected to be close and you must vote strategically, then pull the lever for the mainstream candidate you despise the least. But if you live in a state where the outcome is obvious...like HERE, where Bush will take 75% of the vote, why waste it on John Kerry when you can waste it on me? If you live in Wyoming, vote for me. If you’re a Kentuckian, vote Stiles the Nihilist! If you’re from Texas, I’m your man.

"All I am saying is...give nihilism a chance."

Or if you prefer another crackpot third party candidate (besides Nader) then give that man or woman your vote. On November 3, we can add up all the crackpot candidate vote totals and send a real message to Washington. We’re fed up. We’re ready for real change. We’re ....Americans.

And now Kate Smith will sing, "God Bless America."